“I know I do it. I understand why it causes problems. So why am I still doing it?” You might recognise this in saying yes when you want to say no, withdrawing during an argument or working until there is nothing left for you. Understanding a pattern and changing it are different tasks.
There is no single explanation for every repeated behaviour. Habits, current pressures, relationships, access to support and earlier learning can all be worth exploring. We need to understand your circumstances rather than assume everything comes from the past.
Look at what happens before the behaviour
Take this fictional example. Alex receives a request for help on a busy afternoon. Before checking the diary, Alex agrees. Later come resentment, exhaustion and the familiar thought: “Why did I do that again?”
Looking back at the moment before the yes, Alex notices worry about disappointing someone and a strong urge to keep things comfortable. Agreeing brought immediate relief. The cost arrived later. That does not make the response helpful overall, but it makes the sequence easier to understand.
Ask what the response does for you
A useful question is: “What changes in the moment when I do this?” Does the behaviour reduce tension, delay a difficult conversation, help you feel accepted or give you a break from a feeling? Sometimes the answer is simply that it is well practised and happens quickly.
Understanding a response's function does not remove responsibility for its impact. It gives you a more specific place to work than telling yourself to try harder.
Map one recent example
Choose an ordinary, manageable situation rather than your most distressing experience. You can reflect on these questions without going deeply into memories:
- What was happening just before the response?
- What did I notice in my thoughts, feelings or body?
- What did I do, and what changed immediately?
- What was the later cost?
- What small alternative might be realistic next time?
If reflection leaves you feeling overwhelmed or disconnected, stop. You can return to the present, look around the room and bring the example to a therapist instead.
Make the next step small enough to use
For Alex, the first change might be: “Let me check and get back to you.” That creates time to decide without requiring an immediate, confident no. A boundary may still bring discomfort. The aim is to build a response you can practise, with support where needed.
Review what happened without turning it into a verdict on your character. What helped you pause? What made it harder? Do you need a clearer phrase, a different environment or a conversation with someone involved?
When therapy may help
Therapy offers space to explore a pattern in its wider context and agree what you want to change. At GDS Health, we can look at current pressures, relationships and ways of coping, using an approach and pace we discuss together.
You can also try the interactive example on saying yes. It is a starting point for reflection, not a test or a diagnosis.
General information for adults. These examples are fictional and are not an assessment or an individual treatment plan.